Expecting When?

August 23, 2015

Rafa is turning two in November but I am not quite sure if he's ready to be a kuya already because he still wants to breastfeed, he can't take a nap without his duyan, and he still doesn't know how to fall asleep on his own without nursing (especially in the middle of the night).

Several weeks ago, my husband and I were talking about our short term and long term goals.  It was really exciting and quite nakakakilig to plan our family's future together.  However, this conversation which I found sweet in the beginning eventually turned my kilig into anxiety.  Why?  Because we came to open up the topic of having a second baby.

My husband wanted to have four kids and to me, that's A LOT.  I only wanted to have two -- just a boy and a girl.  Aba!  Hindi ata madaling mag-palaki at mag-alaga ng bata!  Instilling values and imposing discipline are not like milestones that come naturally as kids' age.  Not to mention it has become more expensive to raise a child nowadays (talking about inflation).  However, my husband seems to have a different opinion about it and told me the very popular line: "the more, the merrier."  And I was like.. OMG!  Seriously!?!  Uh-oh!  I think I'm in big trouble.  Lol!

Kidding aside, well.. in all fairness to my husband, he really has been the best father to our son, Rafa.  And although a secretly known kuripot, he has always proved to be a great provider of our family.  I know he can make a good father to two, three, or even four kids.  But the thing is, I only wanted TWO.

Since neither of us doesn't want to concede on this petty argument, we have come to an agreement that IF in case our second baby would be a girl, then we'll have two kids; IF NOT, then we'll have three.  I really hope we'll have a girl on my next pregnancy!  *fingers crossed*  But whatever God's plan is, I'm good with that.  Thy will be done!

Please don't get me wrong, I am not pregnant.  But my husband strongly believes that baby #2 is due already.  (We wanted all kids to be finished with college before he turns 60.  He's 34 already, so I guess that explains the rush.)  I am just feeling a little bit apprehensive that I may not be capable enough to take care of a toddler and a newborn while managing a household at the same time.

Starting a family abroad is really challenging, especially when you do not have relatives with you who can give an extra hand during tough times.  Actually, I just realized how important social support is the moment Rafael came and I was left alone at home with him (because my husband needs to go to work).  Having a new born is pretty exciting but it can become equally demanding and stressful too -- it's just crazy to breastfeed a newborn every 2-3 hrs round the clock (or even hourly during growth spurts), deal with baby colic, and do the household chores (cleaning, laundry, ironing clothes, etc.) at the same time!  The very popular advice to new moms that says "sleep when the baby sleeps" was not applicable to me that time.  I was sleep deprived, tired, and overwhelmed.  No wonder I ended up having post partum depression.

You know, mothers are not like superheroes.  We are humans who need rest too.  And I guess, maybe, that's where all my apprehensions are coming from.  I'm scared of failing as a mother.  I'm worried of not being able to shower my children with the love and affection that they need simply because I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  NO.  I don't want that to happen.

I have made a commitment before the Lord, the moment I married Ronnie, that I will be a good parent when I answered "YES" to the priest's question:  "Are you both ready to raise as good Christians the children whom God will give you?"  And I will keep that promise.

Having a child is indeed very fulfilling but it entails GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.  So we decided to have baby #2 once Rafa and I are both ready for a new baby.  When will that be?  I don't know either.  I just hope it's gonna be SOON!

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